The Ending Of A Chapter

Hey there all you folks that I love but never talk to….
There is a reason for this. Life has been so hard for me lately, and I have become so damned bitter and jaded. A week ago today I had a kind of ending to that hard patch, and I feel as though I can now get back to being me. The past two plus years I have felt like I was in war -- when in fight/flight mode, one doesn’t act like themselves. In hindsight I see that this issue is not nearly as awful as so many other peoples life experiences, and I am humbled and thankful to be so blessed in comparison to the bulk of humanity.

However, as I make about 2/3 less serotonin (and other neurochemicals) than the ‘average’ human, these kinds of things wear on me perhaps more than they would others. I will be telling a brief family saga here, and will work to cut back on my verbose flowery wording.

My parents got a divorce a couple years ago. Experiencing divorce as an older human is more abrasive, as it messes with one’s mental construct of what love is. My father began living with his (ex)secretary, woman’s name is Deborah. Dad had little to do with me over the last two years of his life, I was living in Denver, but the family split had caused a rift between us.
My father had severe atherosclerosis and did not talk about it openly or honestly with my sister or myself. He did tell his brother that his LDL level was 500, which is so bad it was a miracle he still had blood moving through his heart. He did not medicate, I believe because he was unhappy and this was a decision to chose death over life. My father had not told Deborah of his heart condition, but he told my mother although downplayed the severity.

The last time I spoke with my father was in Oct 2007. It was a bad conversation, I said many things I regret daily, but I believe some of the things I said were good, as he began making changes based on his actions in his final months. These actions suggest he was working to return to his family and leave the woman he was living with. In Nov 2007 my dad spoke with his brother, Mike, and asked him to be an executor of his will, which he apparently created online and was leaving his estate to his daughters. He passed on Christmas eve of massive heart failure. His computer was in the possession of Deborah until we could get it seized as a part of the estate to search for a will, which after several months post death was never found. I believe it was erased, as were other articles of evidence confirming what he had spoken of and acted towards regarding leaving his daughters his estate, and his personal intentions to return to his family. All this cannot be proven now.

After my fathers death, the past two years were a string of anxious moments worrying over an inheritance case. Deborah claimed common law status, which in the state of Colorado is the same thing as being a wife. This law was set up in the 1800s when there weren’t a sufficient amount of judges/ministers to officially marry everyone, and often wives of men would be left destitute as their husbands moved for work and found other women. This law was established to protect true wives from this sort of destitution. However, over the course of a hundred plus years, the law has been corrupted to enable persons to claim common law status after an extremely short period of unspecified time, and if they are willing to fight in a court of law and conjure up credible witnesses and can prove their credibility as a spouse, they have right to all of an estate, and can trump the claims of children of the deceased. This law must be updated and changed in Colorado – I can’t begin to explain here how much pain it causes people. Many lawyers and judges are opposed to it as it ties up time and money. As a lesbian I used to think such a law was a good thing, as I live with a person whom I consider my spouse, and am not allowed to marry this person in this state (where I have 1400 less human rights as a homosexual than my peers). I used to believe common law status could enable some sort of human rights protection to Beth and me, but I was incorrect. This law must be abolished, and more people need to know about its flaws.

For two years Deborah compiled evidence and witnesses to help her claim wifelihood. Never knowing what the hell was really going on, I placed mourning on hold to function in stoicism, which greatly harmed my relationship with Beth and others. Deborah had nothing more than hearsay as evidence, as she did not compile any official legal documents, such as joint tax returns, which would have been impossible to argue against. She gave me the impression that she was not interested in settlement prior to court.

Legal banter is like a massive chess game that takes months to move pieces. Many months were simply spent waiting for a call, and then there would be an entire week donated to the mess. It hurt my academic standing, as I had to continue in school taking less credits, and was not interested in academics at all. I became more depressed than I have admitted to my friends and family. I became cruel, negative, and abusive. I was on the brink this month in many things, including my relationship, and Thursday of last week my lawyer and Deborah’s lawyer were to meet with a judge to seek a settlement prior to going to court. Settlement basically involved compromising on splitting the estate. Deborah wanted it split in thirds, we did not agree, and so we offered another value, which if Deborah did not consent to, court would be unavoidable. Probate court (the kind dealing in will and death disputes) is less expensive than civil and federal court, but it is still costly. In probate court, judge is jury and if Deborah could verify her credibility as wife, over 2/3 of the estate would go to her.

We averted court last Thursday, as a settlement agreement was agreed upon. It was less than a third, but more than what we had offered. A glitch had to be sorted out, as the company lawyer in control of my father’s 401k and life insurance would not allow fund release as per our settlement agreement – he claimed he needed a confirmation in federal court, which is the most costly court, and would have drained the estate. This lawyer apparently mouthed off the judge, which is a very bad move – never piss of a judge! She was so upset she had to take a smoke break. This douchebag took a lot of time deciding what he would agree to, and he decided that a written statement from Deborah stating she was never his wife and would not pursue any other legal action post settlement would be sufficient. We in turn would release the 401k to her through some fancy legal magic I still don’t understand. (Aside: I can’t believe a company believes they can push around a judge… it goes to show who has the real control in this country, however, and this is something we as citizens need to be aware of).

Many people have congratulated me and Christi on this ‘win,’ and I appreciate the kind words, but it isn’t a win. Settlement was almost nothing but pain, for all parties involved. I never wanted to go this far, and had we been able to approach this issue without fear, without ever getting involved in lawyers and courts and judges, everyone would have gained. I don’t think of it as a win in the form of monetary gain, or vindication for the pain Deborah caused my family. It was the hardest day of my life, harder than dad dying, because it’s been two years and I haven’t grieved properly. It was losing my father again. Deborah got to keep my father’s SAAB as well as any personal belongings he once had. She also got to keep his computer, which had copies (at one point in time) of correspondence between Christi, Dad, and me. Deborah apparently ‘donated’ all his books, clothes, and jewellery (watch, heirloom cufflinks) on Tuesday before the trial, which I believe was action with direct intention to hurt us, and it did. Christi and I both know that material possessions cannot replace our father, and we would have given every bit of the estate up for a minute with our dad.

I felt like writing this note to everyone I know, because of several reasons. First, I haven’t been myself, and I wasn’t aware of that until this week, as bizarre as that sounds, and I apologize for my negativity and rudeness. Second, I encourage everyone to get a will, and to have that will made with a lawyer and not through an internet/computer program. Had my father done this, all of the pain and life energy lost over these years would have been abated. Third, to all persons living in states with Common Law Marriage laws, I encourage you to educate yourself on them, because many of these laws are outdated and are now used to help persons who have no true claim to an estate. And lastly, the death of a parent is an awful experience, but it has taught me so many wonderful lessons, which I want to share with people, as we are taught to fear death by our culture. I will delve into this further, because death has been able to teach me that life is nothing more than a moment, and that the moment is truly all that matters. In that blessed moment, every single human being has a choice between (essentially) two actions: 1. To make a decision in love or 2. To make a decision in fear. In my greatest moment of fear, I chose love, and that was last Thursday. That was the greatest win for me, and for the first time in years I can begin to love my Self again. I encourage all you wonderful people to consider making each moment’s decisions in love and not in fear/anger/hatred/pain. Thank you for reading, and all my love and blessings to you.