Sense of Self

I cannot contain it any longer.  This sense of self has built up a pressure which begs release.

I was 21 and had just recently discovered that I couldn’t stop being interested in the occult, and that I couldn’t stop being interested in women.  I couldn’t hold it back, and I was scared.  My interest in women led me to seek other beliefs because I always felt like the judeochristian god had made a mistake in making me.

I read a passage in the bible late at night, and that passage mentioned something about how people who denied the judeochristian god would burn for eternity in a lake of fire.  I was terrified: how could this god state that he loved me, yet also state that I was a blasphemous entity who sinned simply by desiring women?  I had wanted girls since I was in 2nd grade.  I remember asking mom when I was in grade 3 if it was okay to have a crush on someone even if it was a girl, and mom said no, that girls were supposed to like boys.  For 13 years I had tried to hide this, tried disparately to like boys, even got drunk to try to have sex with one of them, and the time had come where I couldn’t deny it any longer: I was a lesbian, and if that was true, God had made a mistake with making me, and if god made a mistake, then perhaps the entire Bible was also a mistake, so why should I trust it any longer?

I sobbed myself into a frenzy, knowing that if the Bible was true, I was going to spend eternity in hell simply because I was a lesbian, and I couldn’t deny it anymore.  I sobbed into my pillow and hoped that maybe magic existed, and maybe God could also be a Goddess, and that maybe women weren’t the dirty little ribs they were projected in countless verses in that holy book.  Maybe me liking girls wasn’t a mistake, maybe God didn’t make mistakes, and only humans did, and the humans writing that book were all men and perhaps they were flawed, too.

I was whimpering into my pillow, hoping for sleep to come to my endless insomnia, crying out to the god I had loved all my life not to smite me for feeling how I felt, and I felt a presence come into the room.  I had felt the presence before, once as a child as I tried to sleep after a nightmare.  It was solid golden love, the kind of white light the sun puts out when you stare at it midday.  It was feminine, but it was also masculine, but it felt more mothering in that moment than it felt fathering.  It came to me and held me in my sobbing, and gave me a presence of love and gratitude and appreciation for my simple existence that I stopped crying and simply felt held.  Held like I was a baby in it’s arms, held like I had never been held before.  

It told me all the answers to all the questions I asked that night.  It even told me about aliens, and how all the fearful conspiracies I was scared of wouldn’t really matter even if based in truth, because I was being looked after, and I was loved as much as I felt in that moment all the time.  I just couldn’t be aware of it all the time because I was distracted by reality.  It told me I wouldn’t remember most of what we talked about because now wasn’t the time for me to remember all that, but instead to remember I was connected to divine love all the time, no matter what I felt, no matter how bad it got.  

I asked if there was a mental or physical image I could remember and recount that would quickly remind me of it’s love for me, and my specialness simply by Being.  It gave me warmth, and the sunny golden white color, and this color surrounded our universe, which was expanding into it, but it was greater than the universe and held the universe in it’s hand.  That golden white then pricked into the universe in a wormhole like stream, like the wormhole of Farscape films, and spiraled throughout the universe and into our galaxy, and had tethers to all the other galaxies and solar systems we passed in that white light.  It then came into our solar system, spiraling and threading around all the planets, encompassing all the planets, but then it finally got to earth, and split up like a root system around the earth.  The earth was surrounded by this light of love, and each single tether was connected to every single person, and everyone had the umbilical chord of divine white light connecting them to it all the time, and connecting us all in a grid to one another, and ultimately every single thing in the universe.  The image then zoomed out, and the entire universe was encompassed by this white light, and it was everywhere, even though at first it looked as though the two were separate.  I then felt extreme joy and love, struggling to stay awake, and the loving goddess like entity said, you will sleep now my dear, and remember this forever.

this conscious awareness of a universal grid of love has governed my life for years.  It wasn’t easy at the beginning.  I woke that morning and wrote everything down into a word document entitled “God.”  That document was never found again, nor was my printed copy of it.  It said I would forget, all but the image, and I did, but I never lost the sense of the grid, and I never stopped feeling th e love teeming into me from whatever that entity represented.  

I never wanted to be deeply spiritual, but this awareness of this collective love from the white light of golden appreciation has changed all that.  I sought to ignore it in science and agnosticism, but I couldn’t, as it would scream at me to remember.  I was cut off from it when I focused on the pain of the world, the injustice, the rape of women, the death of animals, the BP spill.  All of that grieved me into states of depression that left me with no hope, wanting to die, attempting to die.  Being a lesbian in a nation so wrought with Christian ideology, I felt like a blasphemer, and I tried to end my life because of it.  I was hospitalized, I was persecuted for being gay, I was shamed.  And I made it through.  

I have made it through in large part because of that night long ago.  All I wish to do is share this love that I have found.  It will sound insane.  It will sound like I am very individualistically selfish, but I have come to realize my sense of self is as broad as the light which came to me that evening.  You and I truly are one, and it doesn’t matter how different we are, we are the same, connected by the same grid, the same love, and all I want to do is love you as much as I can.  I want to love as deeply as possible for as long as possible in this physical form, because I know that the awareness of love can heal and be the catalyst for moving things which are distractions from this love.  All of the suffering is but a contrasting shadow to challenge us to be more.  It is there so we can desire something better, no matter what that contrast is to you, it is present simply to make you be something greater tomorrow than you are today.