Thoughts of a Colorado Scorched Nihilist.

The fire had scortched her heart like it had seared the hillside.  The trees stood like black sentinels overlooking her downhill valley drive toward money.  Black sentinels that reflected the scar she had experienced in mentally giving up everything, yet winding up losing nothing.  They reigned on the horizon, and reminded her of the futility of it all.

Nothing felt better than being in the FJ.  Driving in the FJ made her feel in control, ready to drive away from any harm that came at her.  She could think in the FJ, knowing it was hers, her big blue ox, taking her into the forest, to remember her origins.

She loved her woman.  She loved holding her at night, hugging her tightly as her body became more toned - she could get closer to her lover's core as she lost weight, and it made the love linger longer in the morning.  The morning would come, bright with anticipation of newness, of birth, of hope, only to be dashed by chasing the money to give to a landlord and the debtors who don't care.

Death didn't seem like the end in nature the way it felt in the cultural construct of the mental framework of neurons derived from years of social conditioning.  She looked at the sentinel trees, lonesome in their death, yet their sacrifice gave more life to the understory, and the grasses and shrubs had already begun to fill in.  Death gave new life.  She thought of that, recalling a week prior releasing her father's cremains on the tundra.  His ashes lingered there for a while, defying the wind, and then dispersing to provide new carbon to the alpine.

Tomorrow she would have to return to the concrete palace of her monetary need.  She did not look forward to it.  She hoped it would be different, that something positive would happen, that the monotony wouldn't be as painful or as empty of meaning as the morning drive felt.  She hoped it wouldn't be hurtful, that kindness would discover her, that compassion would dance in her heart and she would remember the joy she had in lovemaking on her weekend.

Her lover's health concerned her.  She looked at her silent sleeping lady, curled up with the black cat stray who had chosen her, and wondered if she could ever provide the economic stability needed to make her lover not hurt so much physically.  She couldn't think of anything but to go back to school.  She wanted to provide for her beloved, for her beloved was the kind of soul-family that is so  perfect it defies logic and science.  It was a phenomenon, and it was to be treasured.  The cat placed his paw on her arm as she typed, and the silence of his love and her lovers arm wrapped around her waist was all she lived for.  It was divine, if there was divinity at all.

On the dusk drive not too many evenings ago, she saw an owl.  The owl looked right at her and her lover, as if to burn it's intense energy into them.  The owl healed the burn caused by the fire; it reminded the women of unity, of the greater picture.  But those symbols fade into the grey of concrete and cash and debt, and soon they were afraid once more.

The woman had woken this morning to the image of her beloved being t-boned in the corolla.  The corolla didn't have adequate protection from those kinds of impacts.  She received the call, coming from her in-laws, who the State had deemed next of kin.  She didn't even know her beloved hadn't made it into work.  She held her crumpled and cold body in the morgue, her tears falling on it's hard lifelessness.

What is the purpose of life?  To torture the soul with the hope of eternal love?  To taunt the inner child into believing it isn't broken?  All I know is that my beloved and my cats mean more to me than money, more to me than happiness, and more to me than false dreams of a broken childhood.

Anti-Change-Girl and the Journey of Embracing Change

There is a lot of fear in this world.  It keeps everyone from being who they really are, which is beautiful Love, and glorious Light.  You came to this Earth to experience being the Creator of your own reality, to embrace what it means to choose to evolve as a unique and special individual.  

The fear we are all exposed to comes from the uncertainty of this time.  It isn’t a time like any other.  Some compare it to the fall of the Roman Empire, but it really isn’t comparable, because the Roman Empire didn’t completely rely on a finite energy source which was quickly disappearing, like we do.  Their world didn’t have roughly seven billion people on it, either.  So, from my understanding of history, we are experiencing something that has never been experienced before.  Just like every one of us, this situation is unique.

The essence of 2012 is the summation of this uncertainty.  We have all heard talk of Mayan and Zuni prophecies, of the End of the World, and of Extraterrestrial Disclosure.  There is a tremendous amount of fear circling these predictions, and what was but a joking whisper of conspiracy theories has become a rather loud cacophony of differing opinions, disbelief in some, belief in others, and fear abounding.

Out of this noise I keep hearing and reading and hoping and fearing, the only thing that seems to calm my heart and soul is the idea of a massive conscious shift in awareness that we, the human species, must change and embrace drastic change to survive the consequences of our collective actions.  We all live on planet Earth, and most of us would like to keep living here, which means things have got to change.

Change is a scary thing for most people; no one really likes the initial resistance that change brings to your life, so most folks try to avoid it, and then in avoiding it, most lose the ability to control the change.  By not embracing and allowing change to come into your life, and by not changing how you think about and identify with change, it has been my experience that change winds up controlling you.  What I mean by this is difficult to communicate in words.  I will paint a picture.

Once upon a time there was a girl who was forced to move to Canada by her Evil-Parents.  Her Evil-Parents had made a decision about her life, without consulting her, that they would move to Canada in the hopes of pursuing a better, more successful and bountiful future.  No one seemed to give a rats ass about what the little girl wanted, and shrugged off her vocalized hurt by saying repeatedly that the “change would be good for her in the long run.”  Huh, whatever that meant. to Anti-Change Girl, that was a death sentence, because life in her perspective was more about playing and less about years passing than it was for her more wizened parents.  

Anti-Change-Girl decided she would be aggressive and rude in approaching this change of place and experience.  She resisted it by placing a massive flag of her native nation outside her window.  She protested by screaming “America is better than Canada!” while biking around her neighborhood.  She got into fisticuffs with boys who called her a boy, and not a tomboy (there is a distinct difference, you know), and she refused to wear dresses like the Canada-girls and would pack jeans in her knapsack daily to prevent the enforcement of dress-attire on her by her evil mother, who apparently wanted Anti-Change-Girl to be prissy and Canadian.

Time passed, and Anti-Change-Girl found her niche, like most animals do.  She was an artistic tomboy who loved nature who sought to extend kindness wherever she went.  Most people didn’t really know what to do with her, but she had friends, and wound up loving Canada.  One day, her Evil Parents decided to change her life without consulting her, and moved back to the United States.  Anti-Change-Girl had to try to fit in once more in a now foreign native home.  Her “evil” parents had been right in the beginning, when they believed Canada would be good for her, she just didn’t see it until much later, when she recognized that a different nation brought to her the awareness that global diversity is beautiful.

What sparked this altercation in how Anti-Change-Girl views change was the acceptance of Change being the only constant in life.  It was the initial change of moving to a separate country, unique in it’s culture and systems, and then returning to her native land, which caused Anti-Change-Girl to be the different entity she is today, and which will enable Anti-Change-Girl to be more adaptable to the changes facing her and her species.  She had no understanding of this long-time-comprehension as a child, for she had no past to go by and to learn from.

Change is inevitable.  It is why you choose to be here, now.  The only thing you can control is how you think about your reality.  From that thought comes the allowance of the thought being born into material reality, and the allowance guides you to take the actions necessary to create what it is you wish to create in this existence of yours. You are here to be a Creator, are you not?  Anti-Change-Girl needed to alter her understanding of the change of moving, and it took her many decades to do so.  She wound up seeing it as a tremendous learning experience that shaped nearly every aspect of her identity. 

By embracing change as inevitable, and by allowing change into your life to make the life you wish to make, the fear of uncertainty dissipates.  This is what the “mass consciousness shift” is on about, but it all begins with the individual, and grows into the greater human consciousness, and ultimately changes the world, and how the world is experienced by the individual.  

It boils down to how you wish to experience this moment of Now: Do you want to see the Change that you are experiencing in your life as, “Yet another experience where someone is taking advantage of you?”  Do you want to experience change as, “Yet another horrible Trauma that winds up with you as the Victim?”  That will only keep you in a state of victim, continuing to live your past-experience, never moving beyond them.  To move past the hurt and the trauma, the death, and the change, you must see that how you think about those experiences shape how you respond to them.  If you think of an ending as a negative, you will never see the ending as a new beginning! 

How you choose to see yourself shapes your reality.  If you hate how you look, how you feel, and where you are, you will create more hatred, not less.  You will resist change, not embrace it.  You must begin to love and accept yourself, and accept the changes you are now experiencing as inevitable aspects of the human condition.  You are Love manifest in Material form, and to be the change you wish to be in this life, you must accept yourself, and accept the changes not with negativity, but with hope in growth towards a new beginning.

A Wise Shaman once told me that the highest form of Creation is first to think it, then to speak it, then to sing it, and finally, to dance it into being.  What will you dance into being today?