An American Fairy Tale, Part 1

Once upon a time, there lived a man with an aching heart. His heart ached because he was of a comely appearance. Uglyman had many talents, gifts, and a big capacity for love, but no one would bother to experience those things because they didn't like Uglyman’s face. To compensate for his looks, or lack thereof, Uglyman delved into the athletic sports of his region, and did so with chivalrous intent. He became a paramedic and a firefighter, and he saved the lives of people in the outdoors. He learned many things, and completed many good and princely deeds of servitude. Uglyman was the epitome of the White-Knight-in-Shining-Armor. He was everything the cartoons told him to be as a boy, everything the girls wanted in a man. He was fit, he was able, he was intensely spiritual and profoundly thoughtful, but he had no beauty of face, at least upon first glance, which was what most shallow-people gave him before politely turning away.

Uglyman was writing his own way into the world. If his heart could not be given to a lady, he would give it instead to his passions of prose and point of view. He would seek acceptance by building his own life, and making a hole for his peg that didn't ever fit in the Valley of Dolls. His achievements would be many, as he was competent to harness the moon, but even then no one would give him the love he so sought. Not one girl would give him more than a glance, at least not for long.

Uglyman had been given little opportunity to understand the opposite sex. Very few had paid him much attention, and what girls that did flirt with him most times didn't understand their actions were taken as flirtation. This led to a general state of confusion regarding femalekind, which exacerbated Uglyman's shyness and unconfidence. To compensate, Uglyman amplified his assumptions of what was going on inside the minds of others. All of his psychic, empathic, and emotional feelers were out, and because of this Uglyman sometimes took things the wrong way, especially regarding the intentions of those around him. This got Uglyman into a lot of trouble with friends and with females, because most people mistook his shyness and lack of social skills for abrasive rudeness and passive-aggression. When it came to flirting, most women wouldn't get it, or would feel awkward at his advances because when they looked at his face, they mistook his crooked teeth and mottled complexion as a symbol of his character. As girls, they had listened to the animated stories, and had been conditioned to think that all ugly men were bad men, just as they had been in the films. As this conditioning was at the very foundation of his culture, Uglyman had never gotten past second base.